I know I can't come near you
Everytime I do
I get shaken inside and the sun in my eyes
I'll stay away
The morning of Saturday, Dec 24th
There was a snowstorm. in South Dakota, the weekend after Thanksgiving. Trees were torn apart. Branches that weren't knocked down were coated with enough ice that they bent to the ground. Its finally nice enough outside to start picking them up, now. I go out and help my dad with the clean up. We start in the front yard. The large pieces are cut into workable sizes and stacked behind the shed. Maybe they'll be used for firewood in a few years, when they dry out. The smaller sticks are piled up. Later they'll be put into the back of the truck and taken away. We finish the front yard in half an hour. We take a break and move to the back.
"You can go ahead and cut that," he says as I lay a larger branch next to the chainsaw.
I've never used a chainsaw before, but anyone can do it. I wonder, what is he really saying? Is he acknowledging my masculinity? Is this his way of calling me his equal? The barriers of our individual tasks are now broken down as we can each do a little bit of everything now.
"Just be careful." He is still my Dad. Protective.
We finish the entire yard in 2 hours. Done in time to watch football. He thanks me. Although I wasn't asked, this is the type of work I'm expected to help with. Because of that, I'm not usually thanked. I can tell he is proud. Proud of the work we did. Proud of me.
Evening December 24th
We have dinner and celebrate Christmas with my Dad's family. I see my Grandpa. He is very thin. It is no secret that he hasn't been the same since my Grandma died. He seems happy, but it is just a vail. We all know it, but no one really wants to talk about it. He doesn't want to die, but there is nothing he lives for anymore.
I've seen people try to commit suicide before, but this is worse. He isn't going to do anything to hurt himself, he simply isn't going to do anything at all. He may have lung cancer, but he doesn't want to know. Its a passive suicide. He simply won't do anything to stop himself from dying. And I miss him already.
Sunday December 25th
My family has only ever had one real tradition. We always see a movie together on Christmas Day. This year we break that tradition. We drive to Leola to visit my Mom's family. I'm not as close with them as I am with my Dad's family. It has nothing to do with who they are, it has everything to do with proximity. I grew up around Dad's family, I merely visited Mom's.
I learn a lesson. There is no use trying to get children to sit quietly. Your best option is to let them run around for a little while. Then they will sit quietly on their own.
Monday December 26th
Dad and I go to Best Buy. He has a new big screen TV that is just dying for surround sound. He mentions to the girl that is helping us that I work at the corporate offices. She quickly becomes much more helpful. I tell him what I think his best options are, but he has the end decision. He chooses very wisely. I spend the next few hours getting the system set up. It sounds great. The TV looks great. I'm proud of my work.
Later in the evening my Mom calls me upstairs. Her email hasn't been working correctly and I am the only one who can fix it. She sits in her chair and I look over her shoulder and tell her what to do. Before we even start I know that there is no way it is getting fixed this way. I don't know what I'm doing on a PC. I just tinker with things until they work. I humour her anyways and spend 30 minutes having her click random things. Eventually I tell her that I will work on it in the morning.
I've become the family tech consultant. It is now my job to purchase and then set up everything. I am then also responsible for the upkeep. From 400 miles away.
Random Thoughts
I need a full time job. I'm sick of freelance work. I'm sick of wondering if my checks are going to come in time. I'm sick of student loans that led to nothing. In a perfect society, communism would be ideal. Unfortunately, people are not perfect. So we are stuck in this democracy. Where people are allowed to choose everything for themselves. Often times without knowing the full consequences of their choice.
Currently listening :
In Reverie
By Saves the Day
Release date: By 16 September, 2003
I get shaken inside and the sun in my eyes
I'll stay away
The morning of Saturday, Dec 24th
There was a snowstorm. in South Dakota, the weekend after Thanksgiving. Trees were torn apart. Branches that weren't knocked down were coated with enough ice that they bent to the ground. Its finally nice enough outside to start picking them up, now. I go out and help my dad with the clean up. We start in the front yard. The large pieces are cut into workable sizes and stacked behind the shed. Maybe they'll be used for firewood in a few years, when they dry out. The smaller sticks are piled up. Later they'll be put into the back of the truck and taken away. We finish the front yard in half an hour. We take a break and move to the back.
"You can go ahead and cut that," he says as I lay a larger branch next to the chainsaw.
I've never used a chainsaw before, but anyone can do it. I wonder, what is he really saying? Is he acknowledging my masculinity? Is this his way of calling me his equal? The barriers of our individual tasks are now broken down as we can each do a little bit of everything now.
"Just be careful." He is still my Dad. Protective.
We finish the entire yard in 2 hours. Done in time to watch football. He thanks me. Although I wasn't asked, this is the type of work I'm expected to help with. Because of that, I'm not usually thanked. I can tell he is proud. Proud of the work we did. Proud of me.
Evening December 24th
We have dinner and celebrate Christmas with my Dad's family. I see my Grandpa. He is very thin. It is no secret that he hasn't been the same since my Grandma died. He seems happy, but it is just a vail. We all know it, but no one really wants to talk about it. He doesn't want to die, but there is nothing he lives for anymore.
I've seen people try to commit suicide before, but this is worse. He isn't going to do anything to hurt himself, he simply isn't going to do anything at all. He may have lung cancer, but he doesn't want to know. Its a passive suicide. He simply won't do anything to stop himself from dying. And I miss him already.
Sunday December 25th
My family has only ever had one real tradition. We always see a movie together on Christmas Day. This year we break that tradition. We drive to Leola to visit my Mom's family. I'm not as close with them as I am with my Dad's family. It has nothing to do with who they are, it has everything to do with proximity. I grew up around Dad's family, I merely visited Mom's.
I learn a lesson. There is no use trying to get children to sit quietly. Your best option is to let them run around for a little while. Then they will sit quietly on their own.
Monday December 26th
Dad and I go to Best Buy. He has a new big screen TV that is just dying for surround sound. He mentions to the girl that is helping us that I work at the corporate offices. She quickly becomes much more helpful. I tell him what I think his best options are, but he has the end decision. He chooses very wisely. I spend the next few hours getting the system set up. It sounds great. The TV looks great. I'm proud of my work.
Later in the evening my Mom calls me upstairs. Her email hasn't been working correctly and I am the only one who can fix it. She sits in her chair and I look over her shoulder and tell her what to do. Before we even start I know that there is no way it is getting fixed this way. I don't know what I'm doing on a PC. I just tinker with things until they work. I humour her anyways and spend 30 minutes having her click random things. Eventually I tell her that I will work on it in the morning.
I've become the family tech consultant. It is now my job to purchase and then set up everything. I am then also responsible for the upkeep. From 400 miles away.
Random Thoughts
I need a full time job. I'm sick of freelance work. I'm sick of wondering if my checks are going to come in time. I'm sick of student loans that led to nothing. In a perfect society, communism would be ideal. Unfortunately, people are not perfect. So we are stuck in this democracy. Where people are allowed to choose everything for themselves. Often times without knowing the full consequences of their choice.
Currently listening :
In Reverie
By Saves the Day
Release date: By 16 September, 2003
posted by collinwho at
5:45 PM
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