All is quiet his tired eyes

see figures jotted down
and clothes all strewn around
the bedroom floor
Now nothing's adding up
and nothing's making sense
she's sleeping like a baby
she doesn't know he wasn't
meant for this

I'm missing the war
I'm missing the war all night
missing the war

He drove home again
pissed and beaten
it's really no big deal
it happens all the time
it's no big deal

I'm missing the war
I'm missing the war all night
Missing the war
I'm missing the war
Till beads of sunlight hit
me in the morning (and I forget)

So much time so little to say

Time may fly
and dreams may die
The shaking voice that tells
him go
still thinks he might
he knows he won't
I'm missing the war
missing the war all night
missing the war







Currently listening :
Whatever and Ever Amen
By Ben Folds Five
Release date: By 18 March, 1997

If I Could Open My Arms

And Span The Length Of The Isle Of Manhattan
I'd Bring It To Where You Are
Making A Lake Of The East River And Hudson
If I Could Open My Mouth
Wide Enough For A Marching Band To March Out
They Would Make Your Name Sing
And Bend Through Alleys And Bounce Off all the Buildings

I Wish We Could Open Our Eyes
To See In All Directions At The Same Time
Oh, What A Beautiful View
If You Were Never Aware Of What Was Around You
And It Is True What You Say
That I Live Like A Hermit In My Own Head
But When The Sun Shines Again
I'll Pull The Curtains And Blinds To Let The Light In

Sorrow Drips Into Your Heart
Through A Pinhole
Just Like A Faucet That Leaks
And There Is Comfort In The Sound
But While You Debate
Half Empty Or Half Full
It Slowly Rises Your Love Is Gonna Drown

All alone in a group of people, I become aware of all of my unanswered questions. I thought the answers were hard, and that's why I hadn't heard them. I might have been wrong, though. I increasingly accept the possibility that there are no answers. Only questions that lead to more questions that lead to more questions. The real meaning of life is: "What is the meaning of life?"


Currently listening :
Plans
By Death Cab for Cutie
Release date: By 30 August, 2005

She fixes her lips they

Always look perfect
never a smudged line
never too much
I try on my blue shirt
she told me she liked it, once
she wonders what I'll wear
she knows just what she'll wear
she always wears blue
so, sneakers or flip flops?
I'm starting to panic
remember she asked you
remember to breathe
and everything will be okay

yeah. I've been reading through some random, unrelated thoughts I've had over the last couple of months. Here are some that I feel like sharing right now. . .

- Sometimes I feel as if I hold on to my silly ideas for too long.

- I compare myself now to myself a year ago, and I see that I have changed.

- I hate shaving. Even more than haircuts. But not really. Actually, I don't mind it all all. I am just to lazy to do it everyday. I used to shave regularly because that was what Breanne wanted, and I didn't mind it one bit. Now I shave anytime I am about to see my mom, and that is pretty much it. I look at my face in the mirror, and it really doesn't look good with a scraggly half-beard, but I just don't care. I guess I never really thought I was that good looking (and this isn't some self depreciation thing. I don't think I'm ugly, either. I'm just normal. Average looking. And I'm ok with that) so why pretend.

- A lot of things may change between now and next year. But this won't.


"Why do beautiful songs make you sad?"
"Because they aren't true."
"Never?"
"Nothing is beautiful and true."
Jonathan Safran Foer
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

- Random people will mention that they want to set me up with someone. It almost never happens (and by almost I mean actually never) but I don't mind. Generally this exchange lead to them asking me what I am looking for, and my answer is almost always the same. "Nothing, I have low standards". This usually receives a laugh. Some people realize, though, that I'm not really joking. The low standards part isn't completely true, but how can I explain to someone what I am looking for when I have no idea myself?

There's more than one way to be a loser. There's sure more than one way of losing.
Nick Hornby
A Long Way Down

-I've said before that to say I'll never find another room if this door closes would be to sell myself short. I am not a pessimist. I realize that there are other rooms with other doors, some of which are wide open just for me, one of which may be perfect for me. But there is something else, that was just pushed aside before, that I understand now. To move on before this door closes would also be selling myself short. It is not fair to set all my former hopes and dreams aside when the door to them is still open. <-------- I was wrong about this

That concludes today's thinking.


Currently listening :
MTV Unplugged (Bonus DVD)
By Dashboard Confessional
Release date: By 17 December, 2002

I'm just a guy that never tried

I'm just a stupid fuck with brilliant luck
and sometimes a bright idea
So shower me in a chorus of compliments
and verse I don't deserve
I might run but I'll never hide

Hey, that's not right
you can't complain
"everything's gonna be just fine"
said the pen to the dotted line
If memory serves, then mark my words
this game's called "catch me if you can"
and with wine we salute all out bitterness

Right now, there is so much that I just don't know. A lot of things I used to know, that now I am just not sure of. But I know this much:
The Minnesota Twins clinch a playoff birth and all is right with the world.


Currently listening :
Commit This to Memory
By Motion City Soundtrack
Release date: By 20 June, 2006

The impact, the aftershave, the european cigarettes

The taxi, the alcohol that lingers on your breath
The lipstick, the street lamp, the woolen overcoat
The front desk, you tell yourself, it isn't over yet

Second best, oh second best
I can learn to live with this
Plus I really need a rest
After all what's wrong with second best
What's wrong with second best

The motel, the distances, cave into kisses cold and wet
Familiar exchanges, like needle pulling thread
The empty movements that once were so inspired
Desperate attempts to fan the flames without a fire
The mattress creeks beneath
The symphony of misery and cum
Still we lie jerking back and forth
And blurring into one

Second best oh second best
I can learn to live with this
Plus I really need a rest
After all what's wrong with second best
What's wrong with second best

I don't know. I guess I've given up. And I suppose thats a good thing, although it sure doesn't feel like it.

Anyways.

I suppose I'll be hanging around a while longer. Number 100 wasn't as monumental as it could have been. Although, nothing really is right now.

Oh well. I'll get by.

And I'll see you around . . .


ps. I'm writing a lot of songs lately, something may come of them, or maybe not, we'll have to wait and see, but yeah, they are out there and maybe you will be able to hear them sometime.


Currently listening :
Control
By Pedro the Lion
Release date: By 16 April, 2002

He knew that I love you also means . . .

I love you more than anyone else loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.

When they are trying to get you to read, as a kid, they feed you propaganda. "They can take you places you have never been before". I've loved reading for most of my life. I've never had a book take me somewhere I'd never been before. Something has happened with this book, though. It doesn't take me somewhere I've never been before, but it does something infinitely better. When I read this, I feel like I am part of the book. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally vested in every word on every page. It has put words to thoughts that I could never vocalize no matter how hard I tried. It may have to do with my current physical, mental, emotional state. Maybe if I read this book 2 years ago, it would have meant nothing. Maybe If I would have waited to read it for 2 more years, it would have meant nothing. But I'm reading it right now. And right now, it is perfect.

"It is said that the Messiah will come at the end of the world."
"But it was not the end of the world," Grandfather said.
"It was. He just did not come."
"Why did he not come?"
"This was the lesson we learned from everything that happened - There is no God. It took all of the hidden faces for Him to prove this to us."
"What if it was a challenge of your faith?" I said.
"I could not believe in a God that would challenge faith like this."
"What if it was not in His power?"
"I could not believe in a God that could not stop what happened."
"What if it was man and not God that did all of this?"
"I do not believe in man, either."


Currently reading :
Everything Is Illuminated: A Novel
By Jonathan Safran Foer
Release date: By 01 April, 2003

I understand what you write when you write that Brod does not love Yankel.

It does not signify that she does not feel volumes for him, or that she will not be melancholy when he expires. It is something else. Love, in your writing, is the immovability of truth. . .

Its is strange to find the exact insight you need on a random shelf at a random store. Also, Myspace is really pissing me off right now because it won't let me add the book at the bottom. Dumb. Anyways, its Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer. I highly recommend it. There is also a movie. But I haven't seen it yet, so I won't recommend that.

I have this dream every night. Even when I can't remember it the next morning. I know it was there, like the depression a lover's head leaves on the pillow next to you after she's left. I dream not of growing old with her, but of never growing old, either of us. She never leaves me, and I never leave her. It's true, I am afraid of dying. I am afraid of the world moving forward without me, of my absence going unnoticed, or worse, being some natural force propelling life on. Is it selfish? Am I such a bad person for dreaming of a world that ends when I do? I don't mean the world ending with



Currently reading :
Everything Is Illuminated: A Novel
By Jonathan Safran Foer
Release date: By 01 April, 2003

You're the echoes of my everything

You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?

Lately, I've learned something about people. Its nothing big, but it changes the way I look at the world.

People aren't inherently good or evil. They aren't nice or mean. They aren't sweet or bitter. People are not inherently anything. They just are. What you were before, or what you will be in the future, does not exist. You only are what you are right now.

You may have spent your entire life being a nice girl, but at the moment you are doing something horrible. You are a horrible person, because at the moment that is what you reflect. You may have spent your entire life being a complete jerk, but at the moment you are helping someone out. You are a good person, because at the moment that is what you reflect. Tomorrow she may go on to save the world, or he may hurt someone, but that doesn't matter, because who they are is who they are right now.

What makes this hard, and what makes life in general hard, is that this is all very personal. In my eyes, you can never be more than the last thing I knew of you. In your eyes, I can never be more than the last thing you knew of me. If I never see you again, and this is the last contact you ever receive from me, all I will ever be is your reaction to this. I can be a million different things to a million different people throughout the rest of my life, but I can never be more than my last moment of interaction with any of them.


I found a letter that said:
"I'm sorry that you were asleep when I wrote these words down,"
You'd think I'd ought to be used to that by now.
Save for a few of those late night episodes,
Missed opportunities, and "I Don't Cares,"
There's not a lot that I feel obliged to share or talk about.

I'll have my brother stop by this Saturday to pick up my things,
Just make sure you're not there.
This may sound bad, and don't take it the wrong way..
I love you, however,
You hold me down

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloom..
How will I break the news to you?

Cancel our dinner with Max and Coraline,
feed Jacky's gerbil and try to stay clean.
We'll talk it over after I've had some time alone to sort it out.
You hold me down

You're the echoes of my everything,
You're the emptiness the whole world sings at night.
You're the laziness of afternoon,
You're the reason why I burst and why I bloomed..
You're the leaky sink of sentiment,
You're the failed attempts I never could forget.
You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..
How will I break the news to you?


Currently listening :
Commit This to Memory
By Motion City Soundtrack
Release date: By 20 June, 2006