In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...

Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care,
She said
You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice...
Boston... where no one knows my name...


The world is sitting, waiting, longing for second chances. Unfortunately, we just can't start again. We can always turn around and try and fix our former mistakes, but we can not erase what is already done.

I think of how often I have heard someone say "I regret nothing, because everything so far has made me who I am today". It occurs to me that this is quite naive. I don't deny that my decisions have created the current me, but I am not simple enough to believe that I am not capable of more. If given a second chance, why would I want to repeat mistakes?



Currently listening to:
"All the Stars and Boulevards"
by Augustana

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

You really need to read this
I wasn't a jock, but I can definitely recognize what he is writing about. I fell like I'm in a good position to relate to this. I'm old enough to be out of this system, but young enough to remember what it was all about. Some people immediately blame overbearing parents, and that is an issue, but I don't see it as the main issue. It seems to me that this is a societal issue that individuals have little to no control over.

What I see, now, is that I was expected to plan my life when I was 15 years old. If I wanted to become a scientist, my class selection as a freshman in high school matters. Had I wanted to be a writer, I needed to start preparing at the same time I was preparing to get my driver's license.

I've known people who have known, since they were born, what they wanted to be. But they are the minority. In general, it seems to me that most 18 years old don't know what they want to do with their life. In fact, it seems to me that most 23 years olds don't, either. (I think I could probably say the same thing about quite a few 30 year olds, also.

It seems like a lot of pressure. And from what I can tell, if you don't decide early enough, the decision is made for you. This is not a good thing.


Currently listening to:
Elliott Smith
Live: The Steamboat May 3 2003

What if I wanted to fight

Beg for the rest of my life
What would you do?
You say you wanted more
What are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you (from you)

Come break me down
Bury me, bury me
I am finished with you
Look in my eyes
You're killing me, killing me
All I wanted was you

I tried to be someone else
But nothing seemed to change
I know now, this is who I really am inside.
Finally found myself
Fighting for a chance.
I know now, this is who I really am.

It seems that the entire world is trying to tell me that a life of settling is a life not worth living. But I've looked at the world, and it seems to me that the world itself is settling. So what are we living for?




Currently listening to:
"A Beautiful Lie"
30 Seconds to Mars

Far, far away

From those city lights
That might be shining on you tonight
Far, far away from you
On the dark side of the moon

I long to hold you in my arms and sway
Kiss and ride on the CTA
I need to see you tonight

And those bright lights
Oh, I know it's right
Deep in my heart
I'll know it's right

By the bed, by the light that you read by
By the time that I get home to say good night
I need to see you again
On the dark side my friend
On the dark side

It seems like it is only ok to not be ok at certain times, and sometimes the hardest thing is determining if right now is one of those times.

Currently listening :
Being There
By Wilco

one chance to show your face.

this one shot all you get.
pass by your one good thing.
lift your head back shoot and chase.
never hear you laugh like that, so full.
not since you were nine.
learn your restricted ropes.
paint a cross on your left hand.
one good thing signed away and with it your only hope.
attention focused on today.
so quiet slip behind my back.
unsettled, severing always severing old ties.
one last good-bye may last the rest of your life.
one way trip can work both ways and loose ends kept untied
make better friends.
the things you buy may someday leave you.
can you say full ride?
i can still see you around.

I want to wake up. I just can't. Not for this.


Currently listening :
Static Prevails
By Jimmy Eat World
Release date: By 05 June, 2001

(no subject)

RE: Why do you wake up each day?

goodnight, goodnight sweet baby

the world has more for you
than it seems
goodnight, goodnight
let the moonlight take the lid off your dreams

we took a small flight
in the middle of the night
from one tiny place to another
and my parents they remained
at the shack with lorraine
and my aunt and my grandpa and brother
we walked past the tarmac
and boarded the craft
the rain had me chilled to the bones
just the three of us took flight that night,
uncle richard, me and james earl jones

and the pilot he gave me a blanket
while the tall dark man sang to me in deep rich tones...

goodnight, goodnight sweet baby
the world has more for you
than it seems
goodnight, goodnight
let the moonlight take the lid off your dreams



So . . . things are getting better . . . or just staying the same. I'm not sure. Either way, we move along.





PS. I got my new car today. A 2004 Dodge Stratus.






Currently listening :
The Unauthorized Biography Of Reinhold Messner
By Ben Folds Five
Release date: By 27 April, 1999

Lonesome tears

I can't cry them anymore
I can't think of what they're for
Oh they ruin me every time
But I'll try
To leave behind some days
These tears just can't erase
I don..t need them anymore

How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel

Lazy sun
Your eyes catch the light
With promises that might
Come true for awhile
Oh I'll ride
Farther than I should
Harder than I could
Just to meet you there

How could this love
Ever turning
Never turn its eye on me
How could this love
Ever changing
Never change the way I feel

Upon further review, I've realized that this is my greatest fear:

Growing up, you all really thought you were going to be bright and shining stars, didn..t you? You looked in the mirror every morning and convinced yourself that you were destined to do great things. But now, a mere 15 years later, after you have firmly and completely embraced mediocrity . . ."

taken from Violent Acres


Currently listening :
Sea Change
By Beck
Release date: By 24 September, 2002

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head

where I would impress you
with every single word I said.
Would come out insightful or brave or smooth or charming
and you'd want to call me
And I would be there every time
you'd need me
I'd be there every time...
But for now I'll look so longingly
waiting...
For you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me

Its no secret, I'm generally akward when I meet new people. Sometimes a drink will "relax" me, but really I think I am still awkward, I just don't care anymore. Generally, I think the problem is that I'm worried they won't understand my humor. My mom doesn't get half my jokes and she has known me my whole life, how is someone who met me an hour ago supposed to understand? Oh well, gotta just keep on trying.


Currently listening :
So Impossible
By Dashboard Confessional
Release date: By 18 December, 2001

We might kiss when we are alone

When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've known
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

I have a new worst day of my life. Fortunately it wasn't all that bad. I left my apartment this morning at 9:40. I was driving soutbound on 169. I get approximately 2 miles down the road and my engine sputters and dies. After a while, I am towed to a shop that is about 2 miles from my place. I walk home, because I like the time to think. When I get home, I find out that I forgot to leave the keys. They need me to bring them by. Unfortunately, my roommate won't be home for hours, so I walk back and give them the keys, and then walk home again. A new friend joins me this time, and it makes the walk seem a lot shorter. The shop calls me about an hour after I get home. My engine needs to be replaced. Irrepairable damage. Its going to cost anywhere from $2500-4000. Its not worth it. Now I have to buy a new car. I don't want to be making car payments. Fortunately, I have loving parents who will cosign, if I need, so that I can recieve a decent interest rate. And the good news is, I'll get a newer, nicer car. I still don't want to be making car payments.

Oh well. Life goes on.

This is a really straighforward blog for me. Usually I just spew random stream of conciousness crap that doesn't mean anything. This is real.


Currently listening :
O
By Damien Rice
Release date: By 10 June, 2003

She had something to confess to

But you don't have the time so
Look the other way
You will wait until it's over
To reveal what you'd never shown her
Too little much too late

Too long trying to resist it
You've just gone and missed it
It's escaped your world

Can you see that I am needing
Begging for so much more
Than you could ever give
And I don't want you to adore me
Don't want you to ignore me
When it pleases you
And I'll do it on my own

Things will turn around soon enough, I'm sure of it. I think I know who I want to be.


PS. My official stance on texting has changed from "I don't do it" to "discouraged". So if you send them, now, I will read them. But, please, I can't express this strongly enough, think before you text.

PPS. Don't forget about the show on Monday. Everyone should go.


Currently listening :
Showbiz
By Muse
Release date: By 28 September, 1999