"Is tomorrow just a day like all the rest."

How could you know just what you did?
So full of faith yet so full of doubt I ask.
Again.
I shall ask you this once again.
And again.
He said:
" I am but one small instrument."

Time and time again you said don't be afraid.
"If you believe you can do it."
The only voice I want to hear is yours.
Again.
I shall ask you this once again.
And again.
He said:
" I am but one small instrument."
Do you remember that?

So here I am above palm trees so straight and tall.
You are smaller, getting smaller.
But I still see you.


It occured to me, this morning, as I was talking to the President of the school from which I graduated, that the choice of what to do with my life happened very unnaturally for me.

Many of the people who know me think of me as a musician. I accept this. I love music. And when I don't have a musical outlet, I am not a very happy person. But, I've never tried to make my living as a musician. I look forward to gigs. I guess I just don't ever want to be in a position where I feel like I have to play.

I am a creative person, though, and if I am stuck in a paper pushing situation I have a hard time staying motivated.

I guess a combination of those factors turned me into what I am.


Currently Listening to
Clarity
by Jimmy Eat World

you're up with the sunrise

and down when the work's been done
with excellence industry
dilliegence naturally

i would like to be you
just for a few habit forming years
laziness cuts me like fine cutlery

i need a miracle someone to help me help myself


I understand the necessity, but going in for a drug test feels really silly. Which isn't to say that I am above reproach, particularly when such a large corporation is choosing to invest in me. But it still feels silly. I imagine that if I worked at wherever it is that tests the "specimen", I would probably try to guess the results prior to each test. Maybe I would take bets on it, and the whole lab could get in on it. We would all chip in a couple bucks in the morning, and whomever got the most correct throughout the day would take home the pot. It would be a blast.




Currently Listening to
It's Hard to Find a Friend
by Pedro the Lion

September never stays this cold

where I come from
And you know
I’m not one for complaining,
But I love the way you’d roll
excuses off the tip of your tongue
as I slowly fall apart (slowly, quietly, slowly)
fall apart

This won’t mean a thing come tomorrow
and that’s exactly how I’ll make it seem
Cause I'm still not sleeping,
thinking I’ve crawled home from worse than this

So please, please (please)
I’m running out of sympathy (I'm running out of sympathy!)
and I never said I’d take this
I never said I'd take this lying down


We've reached a point of the year that can be quite hard for a single young adult to get through. And, although I'm no exception, I believe my reason probably is.

Most of my peers have trouble with the approaching Valentine's Day. A holiday such as this can be devastating to experience alone. But it really doesn't bother me. This is probably because I already hate Valentine's Day, and I just figure that being single is a pretty damn good excuse to get me out of it.

My trouble with this time of year is different. Football is basically over, and Baseball doesn't really start for a couple more months. That leaves me with nothing on Sunday afternoon. My weekdays are pretty full, and I can usually find something to do on Saturday, but Sunday afternoon is different. It is an enigma. Today was boring. Next weekend will be ok (Super Bowl) but after that, I will just hope to survive all these eventless Sunday afternoons.


Currently Listening to
Tell All Your Friends
by Taking Back Sunday

Woke up and for the first time the animals were gone

It's left this house empty now, not sure if I belong
Yesterday you asked me to write you a pleasant song
I'll do my best now, but you've been gone for so long

The window's open now and the winter settles in
We'll call it Christmas when the adverts begin
I love your depression and I love your double chin
I love 'most everything that you bring to this offering

Oh I know that I left you in places of despair
Oh I know that I love you, so please throw down your hair
At night I trip without you, and hope I don't wake up
'Cause waking up without you is like drinking from an empty cup


I missed the State of the Union tonight to play my guitar. I'm sure I would have plenty of thoughts on it, except I haven't heard it, yet. Tomorrow, when I get a chance to watch it, you'll know what I think.

In the meantime, I have this thought. When did we redefine our political parties by moral codes? The Republican Party originally stood for a small federal goverment with limited power. Fiscally conservative, with little say in social issues. I truly believe that the founders of the Republican Party are rolling in their graves when members of their party are pushing for more federal regulation of science (stem cell research), medicine (abortion rights), and religion (gay marriage). A Republican Party that lives up to its original intent is something that I can support. Instead, I am forced to be an independant, as neither party is willing to stand for the small federal goverment that this nation truly needs.


Currently Listening to
9
by Damien Rice

And the world may be long for you

But'll never belong to you
But on a motorbike
When all the city lights
Blind your eyes tonight
Are you feeling better now?


I realized that my roommates cat can lead to some serious internet rambling. What happens is, the cat jumps on my lap while I am typing a message to someone. I start talking to the cat, usually just dictating whatever I am typing to myself. The cat doesn't answer, so there is no editor, and since I can tell he is listening, I keep talking, and typing, for much longer than I should.

Tomorrow night I am a guitar player. Since I came back from my time in Germany (over two years ago), I've focused on playing bass. And, I really enjoy it. But, tomorrow night we have an acoustic show. And I have never really liked the sound of a bass without a drum kit. So, I'm a guitar player. Again. Temporarily.


Currently Listening to
Castaways and Cutouts
by The Decemberists

My phone's on vibrate for you

God knows what all these new drugs do
I guess to have no more fears
But still I always end up in tears

My phone's on vibrate for you
But still I never ever feel from you
Pinocchio's now a boy
Who wants to turn back into a toy


I figured out that I want something.
I'm still not sure what it is.
Something that will change everything.
(or maybe keep it the same).

I learned that I need something
I'm afraid of what it might be
Something that will change everything
(whether I want it or not)


Currently Listening to
Want One
Rufus Wainwright

I read the news today oh boy

About a lucky man who made the grade
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph
He blew his mind out in a car
He didn't notice that the lights had changed
A crowd of people stood and stared
They'd seen his face before
Nobody was really sure
If he was from the House of Lords
I saw a film today oh boy
The English Army had just won the war
A crowd of people turned away
But I just had to look
Having read the book
I'd love to turn you on


Thought #1
Quite a few people showed up for last nights show. Thanks to all of you whom did. I love playing music, and I would continue to play even if no one ever heard it. But it is fun to play for other people. Last night we nailed it. Probably our best show yet. The energy was amazing. There is something magical about playing live that really can't be described, only experienced.

Thought #2
I saw Children of Men the other night. I recommend it. In the movie, it is 2027 and there have been no new pregnancies for 18 years. It made me wonder how I would live my life if I were 35 years old, with half my life left, knowing that the world is basically going to end when I die. It is easy to feel insignificant when you know that the rest of humanity goes on without you. It is equally insignificant when humanity ends with you, and there is nothing you can do about it.


Currently Listening to
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band
by The Beatles

here she comes breakin' through my window

in the early morning hours
for the moment, i am disrupted
but in time she'll make me smile

all the wonderous animals
roamin' round the earth
bring us songs of calm
they do no wrong
they do no wrong

you don't know just how much i miss you
yeah my stomach aches in your absence
i don't know what i'd do without you
'cause i'd have no one to follow

you are my love
i hold you above
everything and everyone
yeah, everyone
everyone

here outside all the kids are playin'
they're my wake up call each day
look at them,
their little lives beginning
i have watched them over years

blooming like sweet roses
dryin' their wet noses
no thought of the cold
yeah i feel old
i feel old

yesterday we found a hidden passage
and i opened my sleepy eyes
through the trees parrots swept up past us
and the gardens there smelled good

all the pretty houses
decoratively coloured
tonight i want no other
than my own
than my own



I don't paint often. I don't know technique and often I don't know the first step in executing my "vision". That being said, I recently finished two paintings I would like to share with you.

my paper heart


If loss is love then love is lost for all . . .





Currently Listening to
Ghosts of the Great Highway
by Sun Kil Moon

i'm not uncomfortable feeling weird

i'm not uncomfortable feeling weird
lonely leered, options disappear, but i know what to do
son of sam, son of a doctor's touch, a nurse's love
acting under orders from above


Lately, I've been wondering what makes me, me. Either I am just a big pile of DNA, or I am a soul with a disposable body. But really, I don't care which of these it is. What I really wonder is why am I the way I am? And why are you the way you are? And how much of that can we change?


Currently Listening to:
Figure 8
by Elliott Smith



Alright, and remember, its more important that she's drunk than she's hot . . .for this first one . . .

Currently Watching
The 40 Year Old Virgin

Any time that you want

Ill be here in your arms
Slently holding on to the girl with he charms
But if there comes a day
You should turn your heart away
Ill be down on my knees
Beggin for that girl to stay

Dont let go
Ooo oh oh
Dont let go
Ooo oh oh


Now I've never used the True online dating service, so there isn't a lot that I can say about them. But I am very confident saying this much. There is no way in hell you are going to meet this girl through it. So if that is what you are expecting, I suggest you look elsewhere. Although, to be honest, you probably aren't going to find her no matter where you look. Most likely she doesn't exist. At least, not this version of her. There has been plenty written about unrealistic body images in advertising/media. Honestly, using slender women to advertise a product doesn't even bother me. What bothers me is the ridiculous amount of retouching. Give me an ad with an attractive girl, put her in makeup, use lighting to change the look, none of this bothers me. But when you "retouch" an entire body, you don't create just an unrealistic body image, you create an impossible body image. Go ahead an use the best looking people you can find to advertise your product, but if you are going to end up creating the person with a computer anyways, just start out with a cartoon. It will save us all a headache.



Currently Listening to
Weezer (Green Album)
by Weezer

There's no one in town I know

You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.



I lost a friend on New Years Eve. I wish I could say it was from a falling out, or a disagreement, or just simply from losing touch. Unfortunately, I can't. I lost a friend in a car crash. Slippery roads and low visibility led to him losing control of his car and sliding into oncoming trafiic. It is a very hard situation, he was a very good guy, and I truly empathize with his family and all his other friends.

But I don't grieve, and I don't mourn. Not anymore, anyways.

I think about death often enough to have an idea about it. We don't know what happens after death. What we do know, is that everyone dies. Death is the Ultimate Inevitability. This doesn't depress me. I've accepted what I can not change. So when someone dies, it no longer makes me sad. It is unfortunate that will no longer see this person again, but I knew that this would happen at some point. Instead, I am happy that I was given the chance to know him in his short time. If I am lucky, there is an afterlife, and one day I will see him again.


Currently Listening to
Bleed American
by Jimmy Eat World