Throw it all away

Let's lose ourselves
'Cause there's no one left for us to blame
It's a shame we're all dying
And do you think you deserve your freedom

How could you send us so far away from home
When you know damn well that this is all
I would still lay down my life for you
And do you think you deserve your freedom

No I don't think you do
There's no justice in the world
There's no justice in the world
And there never was


I think I should see a doctor. Nothing is wrong with me, I just think it is time for a checkup. Its been a while since I've heard "Yeah, you'll have problems with your knees indefinitely, just take ibuprofen and exercise them. . ." after all.

This is the hard part. I've never seen a doctor outside of SD. There are literally thousands, probably tens of thousands, of doctors in this city. How do I know who to go to?


Currently Listening to
Black Holes & Revelations
by Muse

Is tomorrow just a day like all the rest.

How could you know just what you did?
So full of faith yet so full of doubt I ask.
Time and time again you said don't be afraid.
"If you believe you can do it."
The only voice I want to hear is yours.
Again.
I shall ask you this once again.
And again.
He said:
" I am but one small instrument."
Do you remember that?
So here I am above palm trees so straight and tall.
You are smaller, getting smaller.
But I still see you.


So many of my ideas can't be confirmed. At least not in this lifetime. . . and that makes it all the harder to ignore them. . .


Currently Listening to
Clarity
by Jimmy Eat World

I know he knocks you off your feet

You’re so bitter; you think he’s sweet
Well he’s wrong for you, I swear

Did you forget to read the script?
There was never a role for him
It was always you and me, just me

Popular mechanics for broken hearts could help me now

I know you never felt romance
And we always lack suspense
I can edit those parts out

I never made you feel complete
I would fall beneath your feet
I would never bring you down, so down

Popular mechanics for broken hearts could help me now

Just because he loves you too
He would never take a bullet for you
Don’t believe a word he says
He would never cut his heart out for you

I heard he wrote you a song
But so what
Some guy wrote 69
And one just ain’t enough


And there’s so sense in trying
I know cuz I’ve been
Trying all the time to find something that would make you mine
But all I ever find my love
Are clichés that don’t rhyme


Sometimes, it seems to me, that the process is as important as the result.

Blown Away (Tiny Little Pieces)



Currently Listening to
The Coast is Never Clear
by Beulah

And here I dreamt I was a soldier

And I marched the streets of birkenau
And I recall in spring
The perfume that the air would bring
To the indolent town
Where the barkers call the moon down
The carnival was ringing loudly now
And just to lay with you
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
Save lay my rifle down

And try one, and try two
Guess it always comes down to
Alright, it's okay, guess it's better to turn this way

And I am nothing of a builder
But here I dreamt I was an architect
And I built this balustrade
To keep you home, to keep you safe
From the outside world
But the angles and the corners
Even though my work is unparalleled
They never seemed to meet
This structure fell about our feet
And we were free to go


I was really not thinking today. My call started at noon, and I wasn't all that hungry at 11, so I figured I would just eat at 1:30ish when the call got over. I didn't look very closely at my calender, though, because this call is 3 hours long. Now, I'm dying of hunger, and I still have two hours of not paying attention to the writer.


Currently Listening to
Castaways and Cutouts
by The Decemberists

I can’t get to sleep

I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications

Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perahaps its just my imagination

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away

Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It’s time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation

At least there’s pretty lights
And though there’s little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill

Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat, shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away


I'm still adjusting to living alone. I anticipate myself not eating very well unless I am very very concious of making sure I actually have meals. I don't really foresee this happening, though. I haven't been concious of what I am eating for the past 5 years, why would I start now?


Currently Listening to
Man at Work
by Colin Hay

I told all my friends dear

that you got the loveliest smile
In hopes that you'd hear
Come ask me to drink with you stay for a while
But tell me did it work
and did the attention feel nice
And tell me did it hurt
when I said I won't sting you then I did so twice

My biggest mistake was my heart on my sleeve
I wore it as cuff links and you took them from me
and my biggest gamble was my lips and dollars
locations of both turn my cheeks crimson colors

You said "life is like a rubberband"
and then snapped a green one between your teeth
you said you love metaphors
I shook my head said "that was a simile"
But I may have missed the point
the more you pull the more you break
You think I am sad but sweet
and thankfully that is all you need.



I've said it before but here it is again. It is easy to say 'be confident', not so easy to actually do. I think confidence is overrated, anyways. I'd rather be awkward and uncertain, and then excited when something good happens.


Currently Listening to
Cataldo
by Cataldo

In time

we’ll be forgotten and
we’ll all be still
and all we bought and earned
will all be milk
remind the doctors who
prescribe the pills
we’ll be forgotten and
we’ll all, we’ll all be still

I’m scared of photographs of
faces of the past that blacken
I fear the mind was meant to fade…
they always will

They always will
will be forgotten and
we’ll all be still
and all we saw and learned
will all be filled
remind the doctors who
cure all the ill
they’ll be forgotten and
we’ll all, we all

Oh how the phonograph spins
Over laughter over after all
I know these bones were made to fail
us and break and crumble

We are not alright!
We are not all right!
We are not alright!
it is not alright!
it is not alright
to fade in time


I don't understand the idea behind a battle-of-the-bands. Our show was good on Sunday. So was the first band. So was the last band. I think we (the 3 bands that night) could have put on a very good 'legit' show that night. Instead, we each played hurried sets for some silly battle of the bands. So that some random judges could decide that they preferred the band that sounded like System of a Down more than the one that sounded like Anthrax or the one that is somewhere between Nirvana and Elliott Smith. Why can't 3 good, different bands just be 3 good, different bands?


Currently Listening to
We Are Not Alright
by nixon

As I lay upon my bed, I begin dreaming

Of how it's gonna be the day that I am free
Once I settle like the dust upon the table
But then you came along
You helped me write this song

I don't know what day it is,
I can't recall the seasons
And I don't remember how we got this far
All I know is I'm loving you for all the right reasons
In my sky you'll always be my morning star

Like a tired bird flying high across the ocean
I was outside looking in
You made me live again
From the mountains to the prairies little babies
Figures fill their heads
Visions bathed in red


I was playing my acoustic guitar, quietly, moments ago. I heard a bang on the wall. It could have been an accident, but I am guessing that it was my new neighbor, probably hearing my guitar through the wall. This is why I hate apartments. Give me my own freestanding walls and I will be happy once again.


Currently Listening to
Rainy Day Music
by The Jayhawks

Got dirt, got air, got water and I know you can carry on.

The good times are killing me.
Enough hair of the dog to make myself an entire rug.
The good times are killing me.
Have one, have twenty more "one mores" and oh it does not relent.
The good times are killing me.
Shit-kicker city slickers who all wanted me dead.
The good times are killing me.

Get sucked in and stuck in late nights
with more folks that I don't know.
The good times are killing me.

The good times are killing me.


Going on 24 years in this body, you would think I would have learned how to work it by now. I am convinced that I would not even have knee problems if I could simply figure out how to avoid the table legs, or the desk supports, or the frame to the car door, or the chair next to me. But no. Even when I know they are there, something in my brain is incapable of steering around them. And then I limp back to my cube in a suddenly bad mood.


Currently Listening to
Good News For People Who Love Bad News
by Modest Mouse

And we feel like rain when the words all sound the same,

in the lifeless corners of this empty frame.
Though we feel let down by the same old autumn breathing,
winter's curse is just around the bend.
With our hands all tied to the blades of their design,
we are armed and ready to commit this crime.

We love that game, but we never play
'cause we will lose, and we wanna stay
the way we are, the way we've been for far too long.

From the falsest smile to the fear of death is why
the pain reminds us that we're still alive.
With our hopes on hold and our lack of interest exposed,
all hands damage our determined eyes.
But the lines are drawn and the red begins to creep
its way from boredom toward apathy.

Say something, finally we're alone.
Alright, is there anyone out there at all?
Say something, finally we're alone.
How about a phone call now?


I am not used to living alone. Or, moreso, unpacking alone. As I take things out of boxes, I keep thinking where not to put things. Then, I remember, this is my place. No one else lives here. I can put things wherever I want, as long as it is right for me. I think I am going to like this.


Currently Listening to
Commit This To Memory
by Motion City Soundtrack

I felt for sure last night

That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...


Its probably way too soon to be saying this, but I feel like I am getting old way too fast. I never wanted responsibility. Only freedom. I never asked to care about world issues. I certainly didn't ask to have an electric bill. Sometimes I think that maybe blissful ignorance wouldn't be so bad.


Currently Listening to
Futures
by Jimmy Eat World

I think I'm drowning

Asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
That you've created

You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

You will be the death of me

Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me

How did it come to this?


In my hurry to get ready this morning, I forgot to put on a belt. My pants fit well enough that they will have no problem staying up, but that doesn't change the fact that it feels like they are on the brink of going down.

I usually buy my drinks from the cafeteria, because the machines don't have Mello Yello in a bottle (or Pink Lemonade). It costs $1.25. Not horrible. But, when I don't have a quarter, the automatic change dispenser (cashiering is getting easier and easier) always gives me 2 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel. Always. Just give me a third quarter you stupid machine!


Currently Listening to
Absolution
by Muse